Pooping Myself: A Real Life Tale, Part I

Okay, okay....

It has been a long, long, long, long-long while since I have written anything.  I have a few good ones too, but those will have to wait, for too many of you have been pestering me via Vox-mail and in my comments to regale you in the tale of my poo exploits. (not that I mind the pestering... keep it up otherwise I may disappear into the ethers again hehehe)

It's a long story... a very long one.  There are many pieces to it that all tie together.  In order for you to get from A to Z I have to fill in the rest of the alphabet for you, otherwise it is just another stupid poop story.  Also, you need to know that there were reasons beyond my lack of control and poop is not something that I enjoy, not on me, not in me not around me...  in fact, not at all.

So I am going to take you back in time.  We are going back a little over 12  or so years time, give or take (probably more give... but I don't want to feel so old dammit).  I was working with a Printing company, I was doing all kinds of crap there.  Printing, Pre-press, copying, binding (I'm a saddle stitching mastah!) and worst of all handling some of the retail grunt work.  Later all of this moved me into a sweet postition as the head of Marketing and Sales for the company... but I had to wade through the mire of stupid customers who don't understand that a tight register 3 color print job needs seperated artwork and metal plates for offset printing.  Arg! Sorry for the digression there... old scars of retail make me wander off in tangent mode when I start thinking back like this.  Hey, I'm old... I'm allowed a few tangents now and again ;)   But the good part of retailing is that it put me in touch with a select few folks who became great friends, so it's not all that bad I guess.

So my shop was located between an old Movie Theatre, a Thai Restaurant and a Sub Shop.  I used to get all kinds of free stuff, local under the table bartering with the locals got me free lunchs and movies hehehehe.  I made friends with my fellow working stiffs, one of which worked at the Movie Theatre.  We will call him Mr T.  Mr T was an ultra cute hip gay guy.  Tons of fun to hang out with and we fast became close buds and took our friendship beyond one of people who work next to each other and we hung out all the time.  One day I decided to go into the Sub Shop where I met a new guy working there, who we will call Mr K.  Mr K was hilarious and quirky and full of energy, and he also so happened to be a gay guy.  Well, he and I began a friendship, as well, quite similar to the one that Mr T and I had going on.  Then it occured to me one day... I should introduce these two!  They are perfect for each other.  And in all honesty... they totally were.  So, after I made it a point to find out if they were both single and free,  I hit up Mr T and asked him if he wanted to meet someone and he said sure and then did the same with Mr K... he also said sure.

Wooo!  Now I would get to hang out with both my friends at the same time, this was rockin'!
So we all decided that a good place to go without any sort of strongs attached was a night of dancing at The Vogue.  It used to be the coolest place to go in Seattle.  So we went on Industrial Disco Nights and the group of folks that I would hang out with would all decide what our "theme" was going to be for the night.  We would dress up as a group in a particular theme and crash the place filled with goths, cutters and the melancholy.  So this night we decided that we wanted to be 1980's Big Hair Porn Stars.  Oh yeah, baby you get the picture.  Low cut spandex tops with acid washed jeans with slashes all the way down the legs and in the ass, stiletto heels (or cowboy boots for the dude... extra points for snakeskin) nearly neon makeup and HUGE hair.  We were always quite the attraction every Friday night there with our weird matching group dressed up differently every Friday Night.

So they met and they had hearts in their eyes all night long (awwwww I love it when a plan comes together!), and after that night they could not be seperated.  A month goes by and we all find ourselves dressing our renditions of Jungle Lad from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls to get our Friday Night Vogue on and Mr T and Mr K announce that they are getting married.  We alll squeal with delight and have loads of drinks of cheer in their honor.  After the Vogue closes down, we are all walking home along 1st Avenue when they both tell me that they want me to perform their wedding ceremony. OMG!  So sweet, I must say I was stoked and then a little scared because I had no idea what the hell to do.   Washington State does not recognize gay marriages, so thy felt that it left them open to pick whomever they wanted to oversee their vows and since I had introduced them they asked me to do it.  So I said yes.   I mean what else could I say!

They picked a date.... Halloween night in Discovery Park. Costumes and all. I had a couple months to prepare and a friend tipped me off that I could get a mail order license to marry people and I figured that if Washington State ever pulled their heads out and let same-sex unions happen, then my friends would have the real deal.  So I went to this funky little shop and picked up the kit.  I had a long list of types of licenses you could get.  I can't remember the organization that you mailed your kit to that hands out these ordinations... but they had a long list of titles that you could adhere to (in name only for the sake of marrying people)... pastor, minister, captain, swami.  WTF Swami!?  Oh damn, I saw that on the list and my first thought was that I did not see myself ever being called Pastor Kelly, sounded way too Televangelist to me.  Can't you just see it now, me on TV with a pink beehive hairdo and make-up ala Tammy Faye:  Pastor Kelly needs your donations to marry a couple gay guys!  So I gravitated right to the Swami.  Why?  Because I liked the idea and the sound of being a Swami better than Pastor.  So I ticked off the box, sent in my $65 bucks and a few weeks later got myself a letter of certification to marry under the title of Swami.  So I was set to go and officiate the marriage.  Woot!

So now we got that part out of the backstory out of the way, we move onto the next part of the story.

Fragrance Lake

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It is currently early September, a little over a month from my friend's wedding date.  A few friends and I decide to go on one last hike to kiss Summer goodbye.  We decide on Fragrance Lake, up off Chuckanut Drive north of Seattle.  Yes... Chuckanut Drive is what I said.  At the top of the of a pretty steep climb from Chuckanut to Frangrance Lake lies this placid and beautiful lake.  It is very shielded from wind from a dense forest that surrounds it and it is usually mirror-like on the surface.  It's a perfect swimming lake being all warm, smooth and inviting.  The trees and even the water there are so perfumey and fragrant, it is like a little piece of heaven after the steep climb up.

So we all peel down to our underwear and dive in for a well deserved swim.  The lake was in bloom.  The waters were a little murky, which is unusual for this lake.  Usually it is so clear you can see the bottom far from the shore through its jade green waters.  We didn't care though, we were having fun.  Almost too much fun, as the sun started slipping away from us we knew we had to trek it fast down the hill to make it back to the cars in time before we were stuck in the dark.  None of us having the thought to bring a damned flashlight.  About 3/4 of the way down, we find ourselves taking turns lighting Bic lighters to find our way back down to the trailhead.  We finally make it safe and sound and we split up a package of Grandma's Molasses Cookies amongst 4 people and one Coke.  The whole 2 hour drive home I am dealing with an obnoxiously annoying feeling of water in my ear.  The going home scenerey passes before me sideways as I spend the rest of the trip with my head tilted sideways trying to get the damn water out of my ear to no avail.  Little did I know what doom lay ahead for me from a seemingly innocent dip in the lake with friends.

Oh man... look at this, how time flies when I sit and type for you guys and gals.  Okay, I will come back tomorrow and give you some more before you get too bored to continue reading anymore :)