Pooping Myself: A Real Life Tale, Part II

Mushrooms

Okay, so I left you all hanging back on Part I with departing from Fragrance Lake.

I went back to work and a couple days later my ear is aching bad.  It gets all red and starts puffing up.  So I figured... crap I managed to get something in my ear that got it all infected and now I have an ear infection.  So I run up to Chek-Medical (a walk-in chain clinic that is no longer in existence... I'm probably living proof why as you will see) and I report that I have pain in my ear and swelling.

The put me in a room, they have me strip down and hand me what amounts to a backless paper towel for a gown.  A lady  doctor comes in, gives me a PAP and rams a finger up my bung hole.  I'm laying there uncomfortably with K-Y oozing out of places it never should have been in the first place when the doctor tells me everything looks to be in order and wants to know if I need a doctor's note for work.

I kind of look at her puzzled and inform her that I was in there for MY EAR, not my rear.  She picks up my folder and I notice that it's not even my freakin' name on it.  She gets a puzzled look on her face, gets up with the folder and walks out.  A nurse comes in later and tells me I can put my clothes back on and that the Doctor will be with me shortly.  A different Doc comes in and puts one of those ear thingies in my ear, takes all of 2 minutes looking in my ear and orders the nurse to give me a shot in the ass of antibiotics.  The Doctor says I have an ear infection and the harpoon the nurse is ramming into my ass cheek should take care of it, if I should feel worse in three days I should come back for re-examination.

Three days later and I now have a fever of 102, my ear is literally twice it's normal size... think like a big bright pink cartoon balloon ear.  That's what I was sporting.  So I go back into Chek Med, and big surprise, I get another new doctor.  This one looks in my ear, pokes the outside of the swollen lobe and asks me if that hurts... I am freaking welling up with tears and wanting to put my balled up fist in his crotch with force from the pain I am feeling from his poking.  I get TWO more shots of antibiotics and a prescription for Cipro... you know the stuff they use to treat anthrax victims.  They give me the strongest prescription available, 14 horse-pills, twice a day.  I was told that the Cipro will kill anything in my system within a day or two.

Cipro has some seriously strong side effects.  Keep in mind that not only do I now have Cipro coursing through my veins, I also have three antibiotic injections of unknown properties that have been and probably still were coursing through my system at that point.  So keep this in mind, it will be important later.

So another three days go by and my fever is up to 103 without a break, I am really sick. My ear was so swollen it was as big as the palm part of your hand and the swelling had now gone down into my cheek, neck and up by my eye.   This antibiotic crap is not working.  I go to the Emergency Room because I felt like I was going to die, they set up an emergency appointment for me to go in and be treated by an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist.  Woohoo!  Finally someone who knows WTF they are doing!  So I get over to this specialists office and they usher me in right away.  He picks up one of those pointy ear looky devices and he goes "Oh my.  Oh my.  Hmmm, do you know what is happening in your head young lady?"

Of course, I do not know, if I had known I could have probably gotten fixed long before this fiasco.

So before I can answer him, he has me laid down with my head sideways and the swollen ear pointing to heaven above.  He breaks out this mini vacuum and some long slender tongs and what looks like a mini speculum.  Yep... it's a speculum alright, he wedges it into my ear hole (which is all but closed shut from the swelling)  and he starts suctioning out my ear.

Now for anyone who has ever endured having their ears cleaned out like this.... imagine you have the feeling of a high power vacuum sucking out your eyeball from behind.  You can feel the changes in pressure throughout your entire head.  It's a rather uncomfortable experience to say the least.

The I smell something.  Something rotten, like beer and vinegar mixed together.  I feel something move through my ear toward the opening, whatever it is, it is big and it hurts and it freaking STINKS!  I feel all the pressure in my ear suddenly release as whatever is in the Doctor's tongs is freed from my ear with a soft sounding *thuuup*

He bends over towards my face with a smile on his face and brings the tongs up to where I can see what it is.  The smell of it makes my head involuntarily jerk back from the repulsive stench... and here I thought it smelled bad when he was pulling it out!  He says "Well, my girl, you had a mushroom growing in your ear, how about that"

Sure enough... there was this mushroom of sorts, all squished, dark brown and slimy looking.  Not the kind you would want in your salad or in your brown gravy... but a forest fungus mushroom.  Ewwww!  So I told him about swimming in the lake, and he said that there were probably spores from mushrooms in the forest that were in the water and they found a nice warm, dark and moist place in my ear to start a little mushroom patch.  Oh goody!  Only, thankfully, my body was having none of that nonsense and made like it had an infection to try and force the shroomage out of my head.  Hence all the fever, swelling and pain I had to endure up to this point.

We were both puzzled as to why Chek Medical never referred me to an Ears, Nose and Throat specialist right away.  He said that given the time that had passed and the size of the mushroom that there was no way in hell they didn't see it in there when they looked inside.  Who knows... my story and probably many others who were misdiagnosed there are the reasons why that place is no longer in existence.   Although, I do still wonder what was wrong with the woman whose chart was wrongfully with me on that first visit.  The woman whose chart got my special orifices needlessly examined.

So he informs me to finish out my Cipro prescription and reassures me that it is a good antibiotic and should kill off any residual after effects, we schedule a follow up appointment for a week later and I go on my merry mushroom-free way.

Within hours my temperature returned to normal and the swelling on my face and ear was starting to subside.  It couldn't have happened at a better time because in a couple days it would be Halloween and that was the day of my friends wedding!!!

Holy Ear Mushrooms, Batman... it looks like we need to leave off once again before this gets too long to hold your attention.   We are gonna have to make this one a Trilogy.   I know, I know... I'm terrible, but I promise you that in the end it will be worth it, so I promise the third part will be the final chapter.  It's a story that needs to be told the right way, you guys and gals deserve nothing less :)