4 posts tagged “fatass”

I know I owe you the rest of the poo story, it's coming, I promise :)

I had to jump in and interject something that just happened to me less than 30 minutes ago.  I think it is worth it to share and interrupt the poo story's progression thus far.  Hopefully you will agree with me once the tale is told.

This is em-bare-assing.  Pun totally intended.

Like all stories, we must back track a bit and fill you in on a little back story.

Earlier this last summer I started noticing that I was a fatass, I mean I knew I had put on some pounds over the few years, what with working with food and all.  But I did not bother to put said fatass on a scale.  So come late November I purchased a crappy scale and got on it.

GAD ZUKES!
Surely the crappy scale was lying to me!  I calibrated it, got on it again.  And again.  And Again. Either that was a really crappy lying scale or I truely was a tub of lard.  I was F-A-T!!!!

I knew that dieting through the Holidays would be like herding cats, so I decided to do what everyone does and do the whole New Year/New Start.  Along with the help of my Better Half, my good friend Denice and even my Mom I had rallied a gang of support to help me get my fat ass into the gym that I had been paying for for the past 3 years and just not going to.

Once I spent a week in the gym, I talked to a trainer there and decided to give some professional sessions a try out.  I bought some multivitamins, protein bars, new shoes, a spiffy new workout jacket and measured out every single snack and meal portion I would eat each week.

After busting my hump with working out 3+ times a week for 3 hours each day plus eating the way I was supposed to eat, 2 1/2 weeks later I lost 17 pounds of nasty flab.  A couple inches from each of my measurement areas disappeared as well.  Even Ras lost weight, because being the sweet man that he is he decided to do the diet part with me... he has been so good to me!  I decided if I was going to do this, I was going to do it hardcore or not at all.  And so I went into this whole thing with no cheating on the diet and working my ass off in the gym.  Fat is EASY to put on yourself, but hard as hell to get it off.  Through all of this I have decided to change my lifestyle to revolve around one that involves a healthier and more shapely person.

Now during all this weight loss I have not gone out and bought any new clothes.  My comfy pants are still comfy, just a bit more baggy than usual.  My t-shirts don't stretch tight like a fat Hooter's girl shirt anymore, my socks are well... my socks and I usually go "commando" in the underpants department, unless it's like a social situation... but at home it's free-ballin' time (If that is even possible, I wish there was a term for women who free-ball).  I'm actually kind of liking the whole thing of having clothes that are loose and baggy that were once stretching to their limits, it feels like progress when I wear them.

Progress and feeling good, that is until today.
So I have a really sore throat today, like I have no voice at all (Ras is loving it).  Today is one of our monthly Seattle iStocker Microlypses and we were all meeting in Ballard.  So I told Ras that I'd drop him off to hang out with everyone and told him to give everyone my hugs, kisses and love, but that due to my throat and my inability to have a conversation I was not feeling social.  Which bummed me out because I have been looking forward to this get together for a couple weeks now.  oh well, you win some and you lose some.  I hope they are all having fun though.

So after dropping him off at Cupcake Royale to meet the others and blowing kisses to FreeTransform and JensenPhoto who I saw standing outside, I decided to head up to the store to get some granola, european style whole grain bread and fresh fruits.  The store I usualy go to (the same store from the Grumpy Old Crotch story), I go there when it is late night during the weekday.  It's always busy in that place, but it is less busy later in the evening.  Well, it is Saturday and it is about 2:30pm when I show up there and the place is freakin' packed!  Oh joy.  Okay I know what I want so I make the plan in my head to get in there and get the hell out.

The best laid plans.... need a BELT!
So I am walking through the store and the pants that I am wearing I bought when I was at the peak of my ginormousness.  I have to keep tugging them back up as I am walking through the store.  Every time I reach for something the stupid things slither down my hips a little.  Now in my head I am flashing back to Ras telling me this morning when I was bitching about these very pants saying to me:
"Maybe you should wear your belt"
I, being a dumbass, explained to him that when I wear a belt with these pants they bunch of in the front and I look like I am packing a whopping set of cock'n'balls, because they balloon up funny in the front where the zipper is.  Ras shrugged it off and that was that.  Thankfully I had the foresight to grab a thong, one with pretty purple flowers on it, and put it on... it was cold out today and these pants are breezy.

So now I am in this store, there are about 13 or 14 old ladies, mothers and an octogenarian complete with his portable tank milling about the cereal section.  I spy what I want, which is this granola they have sitting out on the display table.  In order for me to get to it, I had to reach way across some muffins and other breakfast bread items in front of the granola.  So I put the hand that I've been using to tug my pants up as I walk on the table for support and I reached across with the other hand to grab the container of granola.

As I straighten myself up from my reaching, stretching, groping position.... that is when the worst thing that could possibly happen... happens.

Down go the pants.  Not just a little past my hips, my friends.  All the way to my knees down.
I am standing there, with my ass hanging out, literally.  And I can't seem to register what has happened fast enough, it seems to me like at least 5 seconds go by before I realize the magnitude of the situation I am currently in.  Exposing my pretty purple flowers and asscheeks to the breakfast breads and the umpteen seniors, mothers and that poor octogenarian all within view.

I'm mortified, and I go to exclaim my mortification out loud and I say "Oh shit!" but all that comes out of my throat is this little harsh forced whisper of a voice.  I toss the granola in the cart and I yank my pants up as fast as I can.

No one says anything.  No laughter, no smirks, no shrieks of terror.  In fact, the second they fell, everyone within view froze in place and just stared.  I glanced over every face that was turned my direction, every face wore a look mixed with sympathy, shock and horror.

Did I mention that I was absolutely mortified?

So I checked out and left, eyes to the floor without uttering a word to anyone, face still burning bright red. 
I got in the car and I called Ras and he said "Probably should have wore your belt, huh?"

Thought you guys and gals might enjoy this little mishap.
These pants... they are going to a clothing drive ASAP!

If you are just joining the adventure now in progress you can catch up by reading Part 1 clicky, clicky.

Okay... first lemme get to some of your comments, because they deserve some attention.  On the subject of cookies... soon you will know the answer, but I am sure you can guess what the end result was.  As to the emailing of said cookies, please let me know if you figure it out, it's something I've been trying to master since I hate going to the post office.  Advanced pregnancy, CONGRATS!  I'd say that's just about the best excuse to skip out of a season of hiking if there ever was one.  I hope you keep us up to date!  The omen, you will see shortly :)  This will be a bit of a shorter entry today with more to come (yeah I say that now but I'm sure I will ramble on endlessly).

Okay where did we leave off?  Oh yeah... the aching arch and left buttcheek cramping.

I manage to walk the cramp out.  I mean it was stiff and it was sore but I would have felt like such a puss if I said "Let's turn around."  Plus Dusty would have NEVER let me live that down.  Not to mention, all the trouble I went through to plan and spend more money than I care to admit to spending on this excursion.

At this point we are in a steady uphill climb heading in towards the mountain and then back down again, then back up again.  It's like a roller coaster, but it serves as a fantastic warm up giving you a nice mix of long soft uphills combined with short downhill sections to cool off.  The path is well maintained, dirt with very little rocks at this stage (this will later change to nothing but rocks yarg!).  The morning sun is filtering through the trees, everything looks like a dream.  The climb is rigorous, not so challenging that it seems impossible but just enough that every step you feel you've accomplished a little victory.  Dusty and I come up with a code to scope fellow hikers using a new Danish word I have learned from Ras.  The fellow hikers being females, since my brother's eye is always looking.  I felt like I was working point, as female day hikers came up the path to whisk past me (unburdened by 28 pounds of crap) I would give Dusty the "word".  This eventually evolved into my timing their passing me to when I thought they might be passing my brother.  Catcalls, wolf whistles and my own personal trail rendition of "If you want my body and you think I'm sexy come on baby let me know" began to ring forth from my brother's walkie-talkie as the targets passed by.  Hey what are big sisters for, if not to embarass their little brothers hehehehehe.

08:15am  Loc. 46° 58.136N, 121° 59.340W  Elevation 2600'
It feels like we have climbed higher than what the GPS is telling us.  We both sit down to take a drink and replenish some strength on some moss covered rocks.  We begin to discuss our good fortune of getting the closer campground, realizing that we are both so poorly out of shape that we never would have made it on the long hike, especially since the last 3 miles of that hike were all switchbacks up a nearly vertical slope.  What started out as disappointment about not getting our original destination turned out to be a good omen and would prove to work out to our advantage.  Our eyes were bigger than our stomachs, as the saying goes, and thankfully Ranger Jean helped put us in the right place, otherwise we'd still be up on that mountain too tired and worn out to make it down.  We continue sitting a bit longer than we probably should have and we share words of wisdom.

Dusty's Words of Wisdom:  For less than $25 per month you can wear a brand new pair of socks everyday.  He's done the math.  Nothing is better than a new pair of socks.

Kelly's Words of Wisdom:  Hiking poles are a must-have for long hikes.  Not having them sucks.  Mossy rocks and wet logs make sweet ass benches.  She's done the math too.

10:23am  Loc 46° 57.721N, 121° 48.155W  Elevation 2890'
The last .5 miles have been brutal.  This is the worst part of the climb so far.  It's all uphill and steep, it's like doing 2000 stair steps.  I am overheating and extremely winded, my heart feels like it is going to pound out of my chest... this pack now feels like it weighs 50 pounds.  I think back to the time I did some mountaineering and pack and gear weighed in around 65 pounds... man I was in great shape then, now I am feeling pushed under by a mere 28 pounds.  I call myself a giant wuss and push on forward gasping for air and wishing that I had spent the extra $100 bucks on a set of nice hiking poles.  I take this as a lesson learned and try to push to where my brother is waiting.

I see something wiz past me with no bra and a fanny pack, and I alert Dusty that some juicy bits are headed his direction.  When he responds he is responding in gasps.  I ask him if he is okay and he tells me that he thought he might have pushed himself too hard up the hill to try and get it over with quickly.  I tell him that he is a dumbass and I am on my way up to kick him in his dumbass, he let's me know that is cool and that he will be waiting for me.  I should mention that not only do my brother and I have middle age fat (sort of like baby fat only.... ugly) we both have severely messed up backs.  My spine was fractured in two places a few years back and my brother has compressed disks and a shoulder disorder from heavy lifting where he works.  That's not all though... my brother has had a heart murmur every since he has been small and I have high blood pressure.  The last time he and I did this hike together we did it packless and uninjured... we literally ran up and down parts of the trail.  Man we suck now.

I finally make it to Dusty as he start snapping pictures of my tired lazy ass coming up the trail (he laid in wait... the bastard, my guess is he was paying me back for all the teasing with the female hikers... that turd hehe) and he lets me know that it is time for him to make Dusty Yellow Falls in the woods.  We talk for a moment about what kind of piss-alert system we are going to use and we settle on me saying "Ca-Caw Ca-Caw!"  I do the obligatory pacing back and forth on the trail keeping my eyes peeled for any hiker that might come around the bend.  Fortunately for him and for me not having to make a silly noise, no one came throught he area and Dusty Yellow Falls flowed freely and uninterrupted to his delight.

I wanted to finally take out my camera.  I knew that we would be dropping into a valley where we would get our first glimpse of the mountain and I wanted to get a shot of it.  I go to take off my pack and my middle finger on my right hand cramps up.  All of my fingers are straight out except the middle finger which is bent in as if it were still part of a grasping position.  I shake my hand, it sticks.  I look at my brother while shaking my hand and my middle finger is still stuck, he starts belly laughing and I exclaim "Well fuck me!"  and my brother starts laughing even harder and he points out the hilarity of my own hand seemingly flipping myself off.  We decide, after crying and nearly peeing ourselves from laughing, to adopt this as a new gesture.  It becomes a mantra for the rest of the hike, everytime followed with a round of chuckles.

We find a cash crop of fat red huckleberries and wild blueberries.... we pick and eat a ton of them.  I plan on having more of them later.

As we take our GPS readings, Dusty reads them off to me and I mark them down along with trail signs for my journal, we look all official.  Dusty is wearing some paramedics shirt, I am dressed in all khaki and dark colors with a little khaki hat.  Two arabs guys come walking down the trail talking about opiates, they shoot us a glance like as if to say "Crap I hope they aren't rangers" and continue on down the hill in silence.  Dusty and I laugh and decide from here on out we would pretend like we had official stuff to do whenever we whipped out the GPS.  Yes, I know it's stupid but hey, this is what happens when a brother and sister are let loose in the woods to play.  We get stupid.

10:54am Loc. 46° 57.564N, 121° 47.847W  Elevation 3088'

We stopped for another drink and to look at a rock that Dusty said looked like a dead Emu.  Also stopped to let a pack of what looked like juicy bits from a distance turned out to be a pack of Mom-types, Dusty is horrified that he was just oogling a pack of MILFs.  I then proceed to torment Dusty with his new found taste for MILFs as we get up from our butts and start our walk again.  It isn't long before the trees part and we are at the edge of the washout.  There is about a 30' drop on our left that goes out to an enormous bed of broken boulders, the Carbon River breaks up and spiders all over the rocky river bed.  In the spring this river bed, which is a good 40 yards across plus in places, is a flooded raging torent.  We talk about how cool it would be to be up there to see the river when it is full and then we catch a glimpse of the mountain and the Carbon Glacier as it rolls over the ridge.  We know our camp is on the right over another big hill, we stop a moment and grab some scenic shots.  We then plod onwards, we still have a good 1.5 miles to go at this point.

12:20pm  GPS can not get a good read here.  Roughly Elevation 3200'
We make it to camp finally.  Again we thank our lucky stars that the original camp destination was full.  It was already noon and we would have still had another 5 plus miles to tread to get to it and that would have been all uphill, we would have rolled in there after dark without a doubt.

We make a quick scour of all of the campsites.  Sites 2-5 were tucked way up the hill, and we didn't want to lug anymore gear any further than we had to so we jumped into spot #1.  There was plenty of room there for two or three small tents.  We had a nice sawed off log to use as a table and a giant log laying on its side for use as a bench.

The campground was equiped with a pit toilet.  This is a grand experience for those who have never had the pleasure of using one.  Usually when you go back country hiking, you carry a little shovel along with you.  If you gotta go, you take your butt off the trail a good 100 yards from the trail or any water source and you dig a little hole, do your business in it and cover it up.  The world is a big human litter box with this method.  or you can wait until you get to your camp and use the pit toilet.  This pit toilet in particular was about 50 yards from our site, to get to it you had to literally climb up a vertical embankment about 15-20 feet up using tree roots as foot and hand holds.  When you reach the pit toilet, it is perched on the edge of a ravine, it has two walls so it is like only a corner.  There is a wooden box with a lid, you lift the lid and there is a toilet seat nailed to the wooden box.... flies and stench come pouring out and this is where you do your business.  It was too freaking late for me since I was about to piss my pants on the climb up the embankement to get to the toilet so I held my breath, hovered and checked out the view... hoping that someone else in the woods was not doing the same.

I got back to camp, washed my hands began doing my portion of the camp setup.  This entailed setting up our garbage recepticle and food containers up off the ground and strung up in the trees (out of reach of critters and black bears), and getting our lunch started.  Dusty got tent duty, so I pulled it off my pack and he went to quick work setting it up.  I pulled out some of the treats I had brought for a quick snack since it would be about 20 minutes until we could actually eat a meal with all the setup we were doing.  I broke out landjaeger sausages and Rittersport Apline Milk Chocolate and Dark Chocolate Marzipan bars.  We shoved the sausages in our mouths like cigars and went straight to work... the chocolate remained untouched for the time being.

I broke out my stove.  It's as big as a pack of cigarettes and uses tablets to burn.  It's called an Esbit stove, I must say that this was one of the cheapest and probably most impressive pieces of equipment that I brought along.  In the past I've used clumsy Gaz brand stoves.  A pain to get refills, you have to carry butane with you, which is HEAVY! The Esbit, the tablets burn for 13 minutes which is plenty enough time to boil your water.  Dusty had a delicious smelling Chicken Teriyaki with Rice, while I had the not so palatable Beef Stroganoff.  His serving was 20 ounces while mine was 16 ounces.  Taste aside, after about 5 bites I was full.  I ended up not finishing my stroganoff and wondered how anyone could possible eat a full 16 ounces of this stuff.  there was enough to feed 2 or 3 people.  As I am wondering this Dusty is polishing off his Teriyaki.  I guess if we are ever stranded I will have to be in charge of the rations hahaha.

Both our backs are mangled from the hike.  Just walking around the campsite we look like freaks.  Our legs are weary and expecting each step to have an extra burden, but with the pack weight absent we look like we are walking around on a sponge.  We decide to take a little rest, since we have both been up now for over 12 hours.  We set up the bedding arrangement, the tent is suprisingly roomy.  We both purchased some REI memory foam sleeping pads.  These things feel like a feather bed made from the wings of angels on our sore backs.  We hang out resting and stretching for about 45 minutes before making an attempt at the suspension bridge, northern crags and ridge that is next to the glacier.

Wow.... didn't I say this was going to be a short entry?  Man oh man, I knew I would ramble on aimlessly!  If you weren't bored to tears before, I'm guessing you might be getting close now. 

Another entry on it's way, and even MORE pictures!!!

So my brother and I make plans every year to go do something fun.  Just him and I, we leave the rest of the family and spouses behind to have some bonding time.  We usually do things like white water rafting, camping or hiking.  We always have a really good time where ever we go too.  So we've come to call our outings "BroSis" events.  We missed the last couple years though due to, well life and other things.

So our 2006 BroSis, starts out as a day hike near Mount Rainier.  Which evolves and changes into a photographic expedition and campout on the flanks of the mountain.  It always happens like this, and we love it that way.  So with some research, we decide that for the rare picturesque scenery that we want it will entail a long hike into the true wilderness.  We want shots that not everyone has, not the boring kind you see taken from some along the roadside National Park scenic lookout.  Nope, we have to do things the hard way.  And we like it that way.

I went up to the Ipsut Ranger Station to aquire our permit on Friday morning.  You need a permit for camping in the backcountry, which is just where we were going.  Our original plan had us going 7.9 miles in and staying overnight on the flanks of Mount Rainier.  Upon arriving at the Ranger Station I found that all of the spots at our destination were completely filled.  Ranger Jean did her best to find us a spot close to where we were planning on going, but every other open spot landed us miles beyond our goal or 6 or more miles off of a spur trail out of the way.  Our only other option was to take up the last spot at Carbon River campground, which was about 3.5 miles in, which was alot less than we had planned on.  At first we were bummed out, but this would prove to be a good omen later on.

I picked up some cookies my Mom made for us on the way home and busted my hump to get back home and jump back into bed so I could get some well needed rest before leaving.  I got up around midnight, Ras being the absolute sweetheart that he is had a pot of coffee made for me and I began to swill it down while I repacked my gear, double checked my list and threw all my crap into the car to make the drive up to my brother's house, an hour away.

I give my brother a wakeup call at around 4:00am while I am en route to his place.  I arrive about 40 minutes later and we begin stuffing his Blazer full of our gear.  I divvy up the food... all dehydrated and freeze dried stuff and he groans as he has to find room for it all.  I console him with the promise of special treats hidden in my pack for later, and he stops his groaning long enough to get the rest of his gear ready.  We jump in the car and we start the one hour roll to our trail head, while watching X-Men III on dvd.  We enjoy the last comfy cushiony seats that we will have on our big butts for the next couple of days.

We pull into the Ipsut Entrance, the Ranger toll box is closed up.  I thought ahead and had already bought our pass to park and put our back country permit number on it, so we roll right on through and proceeded down the 4 miles of gravel road to our trailhead.  Now for the official journal.
Some of my journal entries have specific information, like time and elevation and some do not.  We will chock it up to either the GPS not finding a sattelite or my laziness/tiredness.

08/12  07.45am  Loc 46° 58.501N, 121° 49.743W  Elevation: 2200'
We have arrived at the parking area where our trail begins.  We've already got our backcountry permit, which I make sure to fasten to my backpack before I go off and forget it. (how bad would that have sucked to forget it and have to trek all the way back down to get it arrrg!) We find that one of the Nalgene bottles has a bum seal on it and it has spilled energy drink all over everything.  Luckily, the ultralight packs we got are silicon infused nylon and they repel the drink like water off a duck's back.  We curse and mumble and clean up all the spilled drink.  We take a moment before donning our packs to scarf down the ham, egg and cheese croissant sandwiches that I made for our breakfast and we dip into the stash of cookies my Mom sent home with me.  Thanks Mama!  We decide to leave a few cookies behind in the SUV for a treat when we get off the trail on our way home.  We find the stinky PooHouses near the trailhead and take one last pit stop.

I'm writing my journal on the hood of the Blazer, enjoying the warmth of the engine, waiting for Dusty to finish taking his dump.  It's a bit nippy and I am wondering if I should pack that extra fleece shirt or take my chances.  It is extra ounces added to my pack... hmmm I think I'll take my chances.  I look over at my pack, it looks heavy already.  wtf am I thinking!?

Dusty finally returns, lighter in step and better of mood.  We joke about the smell of the latrines... they smell like old people who pee themselves, and then we joke about how it won't be too long before we are those very same type of old people.  We clumsily throw on our packs and I am thinking "Hey, this 28 pounds doesn't feel so dang bad!"  I will, of course, change my tune later down the trail.  Our walkie talkies are set to the same channel, we test them out with a series of corny roger-roger jokes.  And we are off!!!!

It's obvious to me at this point that my boots are not as broken in as I would have liked them to be.  My arch on the right foot start immediately burning with pain.  Fabulous.  We start our ascent, which will be a long gradual all uphill one and I try to compensate by bearing more load on my left.  We aren't even a half mile in and I'm experiencing all kinds of lameness.  A little while later my left butt cheek decides to wrench up on me, right as we clear the forest and roll into a sheer drop down jaggged rocks on our left.  Dusty is about 20 yards ahead of me and we keep in touch via the walkie talkies making jokes the whole way about being gimps, old and not remembering the trail being this hard.  At this point neither of us have done any picture taking, we just wanted to plow through the annoying uphill parts of the trail and get them over with.

Okay, so surely you are all bored to tears so far with this long winded post.  I'll leave you to digest this portion and I will come back with some more of our adventure and this time.... pictures too!

So this week.. it's been hell.

I have been preparing myself mentally and physically for a backcountry camping excursion with my brother on the flanks of Mount Rainier.  We will be near the 7000' elevation mark, which is nearly half way up... nestled between the Winthrop and Carbon Glaciers.  All in all our trip will be 15.8 miles round trip.  We will end up at a sun warmed glacial lake and see some flower speckled moraines while travelling through some inland rain forests, across a large suspension bridge and through some old growth forest action.

Why?
Because we can.  Maybe.  I hope.

Already my feet are killing me... my new Timberlands are nice to look at but they need some serious breaking in before my feet are ready to call them home.  Monday I took my niece to climb Little Si in North Bend, yeah it's not so little.  And it was nothing but up up up through switchbacks being baked in the light of the sun.  Both of us were dying.  But we did it, and came back down vowing to do something shrouded in shadey trees on Thursday.

The first three miles of the grand hike is pretty easy.  I have done it about 15 times.  It's the last leg of it, I have done it once and only to the top of the ridge parellelling the Carbon Glacier.  I am trepidacious of that last leg.  It's been like... forever since I've taken on a hike like this.  In fact it's been since my spinal fracture that left me the fat lump of crap that I am today.  The great thing I am finding out about all the prep (we are going "Ultralight") is that I am finding myself inspired and wanting to do even more challenging hikes.  I woke up this morning and decided that I will use the rest of this season to get myself back into form and train during the winter and spring for a full Wonderland Trail hike in 2007.  That is 93 miles around the entire base of the dormant volcanic Mount Rainier.  I am figuring that by the time I am ready to do it, I am going to attempt it in 10 days.  That is pretty average, I just don't want to cut myself short and end up a shriveled blister footed corpse on some trail pass along the way due to exhaustion.  Now I just need to find an adventurous trail buddy who wants to hang with my stank for 10 days, since Ras told me "Have fun!" when I mentioned it to him.

Maybe 2008 will be a summit quest... that would rock!

REI has wtfpwned my wallet.  Damn them.

Wish me luck and hope that a black bear doesn't mistake me for a big fat juicy huckleberry!