3 posts tagged “rant”

I would like to bring to your attention that your movie Silent Hill has sucked from my life 2 hours and 7 minutes.  That is 2 hours and 7 minutes of my life that I can never get back, you've stolen it with your trite and ill conceived piece of crap movie.

Did I go into this movie expecting it to be amazing?  No.  When I picked it up at Blockbuster, I said out loud that I wanted "brain candy".  It's nearing Halloween and I thought a thriller/horror flick would be "fun".  I walked out of the rental place with low... allow me to re-iterate that, LOW expectations.

I did not expect the depths of low that I experienced while being tortured watching this piece of absolute rubbish.  Could I have turned it off?  Sure, but I sat watching it hoping and waiting for it to turn around... to get better... to have a freaking point.  It never did.  It just kept getting worse.  Every time I thought it couldn't get worse than it already was, it again proved me wrong.

The writing was childish.  I'm no professional writer by any stretch of the imagination, but seriously my 13 year old niece writes better than the ill-contrived and sickeningly coddling shlock that this movie throws at you for 2 hours.

I have some advice... let the story tell itself.  Assume that your audience have brains.  They did get in a car or on a bus or in a cab and pay for their ticket or rent your crappy movie.  They are not vegetative or imbeciles, so don't pander to them like they are.  Don't spell out every detail of the story in LONG, drawn out and BORING monologues. If you did your job as a writer, director and producer you would have told us the story without resorting to these kinds of cheesey tactics.  You know what these monologues make your "story" sound like?  It makes it sound like you made it up as you went along, then you got stuck and rather than giving us viable content to digest... you throw a crappy re-cap at us and expect us to think "Oh man this rocks!"  Well, it doesn't rock.  In fact it sucks the big fat greasy donkey wang.

You poured all your budget into special effects.  You went out of your way to give us gore.  Super. I rented it expecting that, expecting some special effects with some blood and guts and a half baked followable story.... not something that felt like it was written as it was filmed. I can live with special effects and gore... IF THERE IS SOME FORM OF FREAKING PLOT INVOLVED.  Which there is not, oh wait the plot comes in at the end with the monologue... yeah I forgot. *rolls eyes*

Can we talk for a moment about the dialogue?  Of all things holy in this world, did anyone read the script before acting it out?  Did Mr Gans actually direct the actors to seem like amateur High School thespians in their first play with Mom and Dad in the front row?  Seriously.  I'm sad for Sean Bean... he is a good actor, I have to wonder what favor that poor man owed that was so high a pay back that he was cast in this film.  I can forgive you Mr. Bean, everyone gets one major fark up... consider Silent Hill yours and move on. 

I would give you examples of some of the horrible dialogue coupled with the even more horrible acting, but I'd end up quoting the entire movie.  I'm sure that even a High School Drama Teacher would cringe and shudder at the lack of talent from the writing, to the directing and straight on down to the acting in this film.   It's sad.  For even my lowest of low expectations were dashed down lower than I thought they could go.  This is the worst film EVER made.  There is no saving grace to it, nothing.

Every scene is pointless.  Everything is disconnected.  The special effects and gore are mediocre... I mean Ghost Ship (another bad film but not as bad as Silent Hill) has better gore and by golly it even has a better script.  And that is saying ALOT.

Sony Pictures.  Shame on you. I can't believe that you put your name and money behind this turkey and then spoon fed it to the public... stealing 2 hours of life from those who watch it.  I want my two hours back.
Christophe Gans.  Shame on you.  I don't know where to begin, you didn't scare me or thrill me.  The acting was flat, which means your direction was flat and boring and totally uninteresting.  I hope that you have learned from this absolute trainwreck of a movie and that in the future you will make something that doesn't stink.
Roger Avary.  Shame on you.  Please know your genre and be into it if you are going to write for a specific genre.  Don't do it if you are not into it and leave it to someone who won't turn it into a steaming pile of poop.  You stated that you weren't a big fan of the game... no shit, Captain Obvious.  We can see that by your craphole writing for this movie.

I am angry and I am bitter.  Same as I was when I sat through Showgirls.  Hours of my precious short life upon this earth have been ripped from me, never to return and for nothing but the feeling of just having watched a suck-ass movie.

To those reading this other than the three it is addressed to:  Unless you are in the Under 17 Male demographic (who seemingly love this movie... then again hormones will do weird things to people... poor kids) don't waste your time.  The only people who like this movie are those who have never seen a good movie in their lives.  It's not entertaining, you will yawn and you will sit there and go "WTF does that have to do with anything" and "If that dumb broad screams Sharon one more time I'm going to strangle myself to end this torture!"  Any movie that has you hoping that the main character "gets what's coming to her" the first 5 minutes into the movie... you know it's going to be bad.

What do I wish?
I wish I had those 2 hours and 7 minutes of my life back, so I could do something fun... like have sex or change a flat tire.

Sony Pictures, Mr Avary & Mr Gans..... can you give that back to me?

Sincerely and Bitterly,
Kelly Cline

Well, I would but I don't know what "conversate" is.

Conversate is NOT a word.  Stop saying it.  It sounds stupid when you say it.  It makes you sound like you are completely ignorant of the simple workings of the English language.

It is CONVERSE or CONVERSATION.
Let's have a conversation.
OR
Let's converse.
NOT
Let's conversate.

Morons and the ill informed who listen to morons use this word.  Back formation is a way to jusitfy and make it "okay" to be lazy and make up words that do not need to be made up when there are proper ways of saying what you need to say, without sounding like an ignoramous.  It is not a "back formation" of a noun, it is lazy ghettoese. Back formation, as an explanation, is an after thought of one of the most insipid and inane words ever to pop up in modern english.

If you say this word, stop making yourself look stupid right away.  People are laughing at you when you say it... and they have every right to do so.

Be smart.

Street parking.  What bullshit.  Every house, every apartment, every domicile that has a driving person within its walls needs off street parking!

Why?

Let's go back in history.
Not once but twice, my Ford Probe was hit.  The first time was a hit and run that caused a Honda to hurl sideways into the street but not before nailing a Mercedes that decided to kiss my bumper.  The kid who hit, got out of the car and ran.  Admitted himself to the hospital and told a long harangue about how he was car jacked.  oh and he had no insurance.  Because asshole drivers NEVER get insurance!

A year or less later.  I'm about to start my very first day of Real Estate classes, and they start off with a doozy.... Law.  So it's not bad enough that I am all twisted in knots for going back to school but it is diving head first into the stickiest, hairiest and law-filled section of my studies, that if I don't pay attention I could get the pants sued off me down the road.  No no no... Real Estate Law was the high point of my day that day because as I am drying my hair my doorbell rings, I hit the intercom and I hear "This is the Seattle Police Department, we are looking for Kelly Cline."  My first instinct is to look for a place to hide and try to figure out what I did wrong, I am in a panic yet I manage to hit the talk back button and I say *gulp* "This is she, how can I help you Officer."  And the response is, "You had better just come on out here and take a look."

Shit.

So I put on my robe and slippers.  I'm thinking to myself... greaaaaat this will make an entertaining cops episode, suburban robe and slippered woman gets hauled off to jail while nosey neighbors take pictures with their camera phones and whisper.  Shit.  I go outside and there is an Officer standing there, tall, dark and handsome... the prospects of handcuffs are all of a sudden starting to sound appealing.  He has this apathetic look on his face, like he is about to tell me that my puppy got ran over... but I don't have a puppy.  What could it be?  So he braces my arm and walks my slippered feet to the front beyond the fence where I see my car... or what is left of it.  The entire rear end of it is in the back seat.  I just had the damn thing repaired not 3 months prior!!!!  I ask him if there is any hope of saving it, he says "Nope it's totalled without a doubt"  Great.  Luckily this time.... the guy had insurance and he stuck around.  He was old.  He didn't see the string of parked cars on the wide 4 lane road that is lined on both sides with.... PARKED CARS!  He managed to take out a few cars, not just mine, and his insurance paid me out a fe wmonths down the road.  The crappy thing was that all I had spare for cash was about $700 and I had no car and I couldn't reschedule my classes. 

Shit.

So I start to scour the for sale by owner junkers.  My thought was to lay down the cash for a temporary beast to get me by.  I spot an 88 Jeep Cherokee... 4 cylinder, two doors, white... it's a big suburban staple.  I'll blend right in... it will make the execution of devious plans that much easier, plus the Jeep was only $500!!!

Holy crap!  That's a deal!  So I take my brother, the Jeep expert, out with me to look at it.  He gives me the "If you don't buy it, I will" and tells me it's a good deal.  So I pony up the cash and have the guy meet us at the department of licensing.  We handle all the paperwork, get it squared and I drive it home.  No sooner do I pull it into the driveway, it dies.  Cold ass dead.  You get what you pay for and I paid $500 and time for a giant piece of shit.

So it turns out that the new alternator this guy said he put in, yeah that was a lie.  The new battery... yeah that was a lie too.  The new starter... lie.  The new water pump, thermostat, brakes.... lies lies lies!
In the end, I ended up replacing the windshield (it had a crack in it), the radiator, the waterpump, alternator, starter, brakes (dipshit I bought it from put the shoe on backwards and it broke off inside the drum while I was driving and lurched me sideways on the freeway with the most god awful sound of metal and asbestos grinding at 60 miles per hour underneath your car.... did I mention the trail of sparks too?), interior trim, stereo (which later got stolen), speakers (half of which got stolen), thermostat, a bunch of hoses and belts, some gasket crap and a new tune up.  Yay!  It was a decent ride.

Fine is as fine does.  I want something better.  I would like power windows.  I would like power door locks, and air conditioning.  I would like automatic... I've been driving stick since I learned how to drive and in Seattle.... stick is not your friend.  While I am a master of the stick (keep the dirty comments to yourselves you filthy minded freaks!) I don't want to master the stick anymore.  I want an easy ride, one that I don't have to thinka bout and listen for the tell tale rev for the opportune moment to shift to the next gear.  So I have decided to sell my Jeep.  Goodbye White Beast of Suburbia!  Until I get a phone call....

Shit. Shit. Shit.

So Ras leaves with his buddy Lee to go make some music.  Yay!  I love their music and I'm not saying that because I am biased... they really do make good music.  And he calls me a little later and informs me that there is a hole in my back window.  WTF!???!!?!?!!!?!?!

Let me just say this again.... A HOLE IN MY BACK WINDOW WTF!??!?!?!!!?!

So I go out to check it... I'm half expecting him to tell me he is joking.  Yeah no.  No such luck.  There's a hole big as life in the window.  But it's weird.  It's like someone shot the window.  The whole window is fragmented but still in the frame.... save for that hole.  Dude.... wtf.
Well, now i'm pissed because just the other day I said I'm putting on sign on that thing and selling it.  And now this has to happen.  I can't ask for what I could have asked for if this didn't happen!  I am PISSED OFF like you would not believe.  So Ras goes out to look at it, because when I get this pissed, I don't even want to see the damn thing.  I mean I was at the point where I was ready to just call a junk hauler and say "TAKE IT!".  And Ras tells me that there is a freaking golf ball in the back.  Not one of my golf balls mind you for I keep mine inside, in their bag all nice and cozy and I only play with my golf balls when I am on the range or on the course.  Then I remembered a whole car load of fat bastards piled out of their cars into the park across the street late in the evening and it looked like they were playing golf.  This has been happening now for the past few nights now and it looks like one of the idiot asses has a slice from hell because his #%&*ing golf ball is in the back of my ride!!!!!

Now I haven't gone out to get the golf ball out yet.  But I am hoping that this loser put his name on the ball like so many golfers do.  If he did... I'm nailing his balls to the wall... and not his golf balls either.  I also plan on waiting up tonight to see if there is a return of the midnight golfers.  If there is.... and I hope there is the men in blue will be getting a ring-a-ling from yours truely and I'm gonna stand out there and point and laugh and shake my newly aquired glass shard covered golf ball at them.

But Midnight Golfers.... yeah... anus suckers the lot of them.  Generalizing, yes.  But you tell me that you wouldn't generally have a deep seeded hatred for any person and their activity that broke your window.

***** Edit to add:  Yeah, the men in blue can share some of that sucking action since I got a parking ticket to add insult to injury.
Motherphookinfrakinsassafrasstassenmastafassencraptacos!